President Barack Obama and United States Secretary of State John Kerry made a new friend at school this week. The new friend is a boy named Vladimir and, the two reported, the new boy is from a place called “Russia.”
“I like to learn about Geopolitical Theater at my new school,” remarked Secretary Kerry. “There is a lot to learn. Our teacher, Miss Cathy, is really nice.”
Kerry, along with Obama, began Foreign Policy Kindergarten this September. The two were finally considered mature enough to understand that sometimes you don’t get your way when you act demanding, and that it’s not right to threaten a sovereign nation, even if it is misbehaving, with sustained bombardment from Tomahawk missiles just because you have nothing nice to say.
“Vladimir knows a lot,” continued Kerry. “I think he is in a much higher grade than me. He said there is a big newspaper in New York that let him write a story for them. He also said he knows Judo. That’s cool! Barack and I like him because he thinks we are nice. He tells us that we should not hurry to learn and that it is okay to make mistakes.”
The new friend’s full name is Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. He is the President of Russia. Before entering national and international politics, he spent sixteen years in the Soviet KGB, rising to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel. Vladimir has led the former Soviet Union on the world stage since 1999, and is credited with steering one of the largest nations on earth back to a semi-dictatorship. His other friends include Syria and Iran, both of whom he has aggressively helped to arm. Over the past two weeks he has vaulted Russia into the position of World Leader (a position held, until recently, by the United States) and begun to lecture the American people on the dangers of thinking they are “special.” He controls over 8,500 nuclear weapons.
“I know where Russia is on the map at school!” exclaimed Kerry. “I hope I can invite Vladimir over to my house.”
[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]
