The Lost Hitler Interview

(The following interview with Adolph Hitler, originally published in an obscure pro-Nazi newspaper in 1943, was thought to be lost when the newspaper offices were completely destroyed by Allied bombing in 1945. However, a copy of this interview was recently found in the attic of a German home that was to be demolished to make room for a new highway. The name of the interviewer is unknown.)

Interviewer (Int): Mr. Chancellor, what information can you share with us about the recent assault at the administrative offices of the Auschwitz II-Birkenau Labor Camp?

Hitler: Apparently, one individual was able to enter the offices with a concealed rifle, and, once inside, began to shoot at the innocent civilian workers. Only the quick reaction of the SS guards prevented the number of those killed or wounded from being greater than it was.

Int: How many actually died?

Hitler: Three died and ten were wounded.

Int: Have authorities identified the perpetrator of this violent act?

Hitler: We know who it is, but we will not release the name until our investigation is completed.

Int: Since the killer is now dead, will we ever determine a motive for such a despicable act?

Hitler: In the home of the killer, we have found a short-wave radio with the dial set on the BBC in London. It is easy to conclude that this individual has been listening to the pernicious, hate-filled propaganda that spews from the BBC around the clock. A constant barrage of stories and reports about medical experiments and mass murders at our work camps eventually drove this individual to kill those innocent office workers. And I must add that we have sources in London who have reported to us that newsreels in British movie theaters have doctored film that appears, and I repeat the word appears, to show starving workers at our work camps.

Int: So you clearly place the blame for this attack on Allied propaganda.

Hitler: Absolutely. Those individuals who spew such hate have the blood of the innocents on their hands. Inflammatory rhetoric inevitably leads people to do horrible things for whatever “cause” they believe in. And, as a result, good, honest, decent people, people with husbands, wives, and children, are gunned down as if they were dogs. It is a sad commentary on the moral character of those who wish to destroy the Reich.

Int: If you don’t mind, let’s move on to some good news. Four new high-capacity furnaces have recently been delivered to the Auschwitz II-Birkenau Work Camp. When these are fully operational, how will that change things at the camp?

Hitler: Well, we are very excited. As you know, German scientists have been innovators in so many technical areas, and these new ovens are the latest example. When these ovens go on line, and we are working around the clock to make this happen, we will have a total of forty-six ovens and will be able to cremate 4,400 corpses per day. It is really a testament to German ingenuity.

Int: Amazing. Now you used the word corpses just now. With such a high number, it is possible that some people are thrown into the ovens and are still alive?

Hitler: Well, no one is perfect. But we try to be as humane as possible. As a matter of fact, Dr. Josef Mengele, a renowned German physician, oversees our procedures to make sure we follow strict ethical guidelines. And let’s not forget that most of those we send to the ovens are Jews, and since they are not really “persons” according to German legal parameters, the word humane would not apply anyway. Keep in mind that everything we do is legal and has been confirmed by Germany’s Supreme Court.

Int: And isn’t there a financial benefit to the country, also?

Hitler: Oh, yes, I’m glad you brought that up. All gold jewelry and gold teeth taken from the prisoners is melted down and placed in the Treasury of the Third Reich. That helps the war effort.

Int: Mr. Chancellor, thank you for giving us a few moments of your precious time. We wish you health and happiness.

Hitler: You are quite welcome. (End of interview)

Shocking, isn’t it? An organization, in this case The Third Reich, systematically killing millions of people and then self-righteously blaming those who condemn their actions for causing a deadly assault by a gunman who kills some of its own workers. Hmmmm. Where have I heard something like this just recently?

(Okay, I confess. I made up the Hitler interview to make a point. Am I comparing Planned Parenthood to the Nazis? Let’s be frank. The Nazis killed approximately 6 million people at their death camps. Planned Parenthood has killed approximately 4 million babies. So, when it comes to mass murder, Planned Parenthood is second. But in a few more years, they will undoubtedly take the top spot. Now there’s a legacy to be proud of.)