March 8, Washington, DC: President Obama will begin exacting revenge on his enemies starting next week.
“I want to make it perfectly clear: the promise of revenge was not just a ‘campaign’ promise. When I assured the American people that voting was the best revenge, I meant it. When I admonished the American people to punish their enemies, I meant it,” the President Obama said during an intimate gathering of key members of the White House Press corps.
Obama famously laid out his revenge platform in an Ohio campaign stop late in the 2012 election season, after firing up his Latino base to get out and “punish our enemies.” But with the early days of his second term rife with budget emergencies, cabinet appointments, and celebrity golf vacations, rumbling had begun inside the Beltway questioning the seriousness of President Obama’s commitment to exacting revenge. Now, it seems, the time has come.
“There has been far too much political posturing and, frankly, we have waited long enough,” Obama continued. “Starting Monday morning of next week, I will begin exacting my revenge.”
Some pundits are at a loss as to where the president might begin to seek revenge. Long-time political analyst Dianne Hopkins thinks Obama’s options are few.
“I don’t think many people in politics would be willing to bet where he will start. Taxes are up, sentiment is down. Labor participation, real income, cost of goods, student loan debt, savings interest, home values, U6 unemployment—these are areas where there is so much pain already it would seem redundant to actively seek revenge by making them worse. Internationally? Our reputation is shot, the dollar sucks, our ambassadors are targets, and rogue states are developing nuclear weapons programs with impunity. No—the burden is now on the president to find new opportunities to exact his revenge. It has been said that Mr. Obama is the smartest man ever to be elected president. Next week he will have to start proving it,” said Hopkins.
When asked about the nature of his revenge, the president was coy.
“Oh no. You’ll all just have to wait and see.”
At the time of this writing, a giant carnival-style dunk tank had been erected on the White House lawn and was being filled with sharks by members of the Secret Service.
[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]