September 15, 2019

White House Okays Use of Drone Strikes To Decide NBA Playoffs

March 9, Washington, DC: White House officials confirmed today the the president has okayed the use of unmanned drone strikes against domestic targets as a means of deciding the outcome of the National Basketball League’s post-season schedule.

The decision was announced days after the revelation that the White House authorized the use of targeted drone strikes against U.S. citizens abroad based solely on the suspicion of terrorist activity.

The NBA playoffs are scheduled to begin in late April, with flights of unmanned Predator drones taking to the skies over both Conferences immediately after. The unmanned MQ-1 Predators will carry the AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-surface missile and be capable of hitting a target the size of the Los Angeles Lakers’ Pau Gasol or Oklahoma City Thunder’s Hasheem Thabeet from a distance of nearly five miles.

“The very idea that Americans may have to be subjected to an NBA Finals series that features, say, the Charlotte Bobcats, is unacceptable to this administration,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters.

“We conduct those strikes because they are necessary to mitigate ongoing actual threats to the Chicago Bulls. These strikes are legal, they are ethical, and they are sportsmanlike,” he said.

Photo Caption: A specially modified Hellfire missile, designed for use domestic against elements of the NBA.

[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]
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HUMBLE AUTHOR resides in the snows of Valley Forge, a place named in honor of that Most Hallowed Place where a handful of our fellow citizens once made an arduous, lonely, yet blessedly fateful stand. He is committed, through his own poor efforts, to provide a faint light for the way in this new darkness, and a few peaceful arms for the long battle that lies ahead.

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