March 9, Washington, DC: White House officials confirmed today the the president has okayed the use of unmanned drone strikes against domestic targets as a means of deciding the outcome of the National Basketball League’s post-season schedule.
The decision was announced days after the revelation that the White House authorized the use of targeted drone strikes against U.S. citizens abroad based solely on the suspicion of terrorist activity.
The NBA playoffs are scheduled to begin in late April, with flights of unmanned Predator drones taking to the skies over both Conferences immediately after. The unmanned MQ-1 Predators will carry the AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-surface missile and be capable of hitting a target the size of the Los Angeles Lakers’ Pau Gasol or Oklahoma City Thunder’s Hasheem Thabeet from a distance of nearly five miles.
“The very idea that Americans may have to be subjected to an NBA Finals series that features, say, the Charlotte Bobcats, is unacceptable to this administration,” White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters.
“We conduct those strikes because they are necessary to mitigate ongoing actual threats to the Chicago Bulls. These strikes are legal, they are ethical, and they are sportsmanlike,” he said.
Photo Caption: A specially modified Hellfire missile, designed for use domestic against elements of the NBA.
[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]
