March 14, Washington, DC: With almost everything in life already promised to prospective voters, some Democrats plan to offer shiny beads as a means of shoring up their bases and winning undecided votes in upcoming elections.
Democrats have previously promised everything from retirement to health care to groceries to college tuition to telephones to mortgage approval to contraception. Some campaign advisers had begun to fear that the “buying votes” hand had finally been played out. Not so, it would seem. Major figures in the Democrat party are already testing the new message with constituents nearly two years before the mid-term elections.
Senator Harry Reid, D-NV, first unveiled the approach when speaking at a conference of Las Vegas real estate developers on March 5 of this year.
“Beads,” crooned Reid, jingling several long strands of bright, plastic, Mardi Gras-style beads, “Shiny, shiny beads.”
The same strategy appears to have been tested by Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow. At a meeting of the Teamsters & Chauffeurs Local 580 earlier this week, she likewise attempted to shore up what many consider to be a core Democratic Party base with the promise of cheap baubles.
“Pretty,” she promised the assembled crowd, largely made up of retired long-distance truck drivers. “Pretty, pretty, pretty.”
“Pretty,” she added.
With many key Democratic seats in the U.S. Senate up for grabs in 2014, including those held by Louisiana’s Mary Landrieu, Arkansas’ Mark Pryor, and South Dakota’s Tim Johnson, the promise of shiny beads may well make the difference in what are bound to be some very close elections.[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]