March 15, 2013, Kansas City: The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has confirmed that it released more than 20,000,000 killer bees in the days leading up to the government budget sequester. The confirmation came from the current head of the EPA, Acting Administrator Bob Perciasepe, in a press conference held today.
Perciasepe told reporters that the threat of a two percent reduction in the EPA operating budget was the reason for releasing tens of millions of the aggressive, stinging insects upon unsuspecting Americans.
“We were holding the bees in government hives across the country at a cost of hundreds of dollars a day. When the news of the possible sequester arrived, it was clear that the only prudent cost-cutting action we could take was to preemptively release the massive swarms,” he said.
The revelation comes during increased scrutiny as to just how the Obama White House instructed federal agencies to deal with the possible reduction in increased spending. Some Republicans have accused the administration of deliberately trying to make the budget revisions, which will still allow the government to spend more this year than last year, as painful as possible for the public.
The EPA dismissed the notion.
“Nonsense,” said Perciasepe, replying to a reporter. “This has nothing to do with politics. The release of the bees was purely an act of fiscal responsibility. They will not hurt anyone—unless, of course, they sting someone.”
According to Perciasepe, the killer bees were released into environments that are beneficial to the species, including movie theaters, elementary school playgrounds, hospital ventilation systems, and campsites in state and national parks.[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]