May 26, 2019

Democrat Leaders Usher In “Return to Disco” Era With 63.2% Labor Participation Rate

Democrat leaders in Washington are celebrating today as the U. S. labor participation rate hit a low not seen since the days of the Bee Gees and other disco giants. For the first time since 1978, the labor participation rate (the percentage of Americans who are at least looking for a job) has dropped to 63.2 percent. This means that more than 90 million working-age Americans are no longer working and no longer trying to find work.

As a result, America’s legions of non-workers are expected to start sporting much wider ties and significantly larger lapels as they inactively sit mired in the worst job-creation streak since John Travolta danced in Saturday Night Fever.

“Polyester bell-bottoms are back in style, baby!” declared a jubilant Harry Reid, speaking from the steps of Capitol Hill.

Max Baucus, chairman of the Senate Committee on Finance, was equally excited.

“I have been aching to re-grow my afro: I have always believed it is a great look for a white man from Montana. And now, with less than 47 percent of working-aged Americans working or looking for a job, the time has finally come. The chandeliers are coming down and the mirrored balls are going back up. This is just wonderful news for the nation,” he said.

“I’ve got the boogie fever!” he added.

The Congressional Black Caucus is planning what is being called an “iPod Burning” on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial next week, a ceremony designed to mark the return of 8-track tapes. KC and the Sunshine Band are scheduled to perform at the event.

“This is a real and tangible validation of the President’s jobs policy” said White House Spokesman Jay Carney. “Without President Obama’s unwavering commitment to reducing unemployment figures by drastically reducing the number of people who will ever work again, we might never have seen the return of the leisure suit, Hai Karate aftershave, and shag pile carpeting in hotel rooms. I think that there are 90 million-plus people in America who owe the President a big ‘thank you’ for the Disco Inferno they are all burning in right now.”

President Obama has yet to comment formally on the new participation rate. However, while boarding Air Force One yesterday, he did turn back to the assembled reporters at the airport and shouted out what sounded, to most, like “Keep on Trucking.”

[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]
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HUMBLE AUTHOR resides in the snows of Valley Forge, a place named in honor of that Most Hallowed Place where a handful of our fellow citizens once made an arduous, lonely, yet blessedly fateful stand. He is committed, through his own poor efforts, to provide a faint light for the way in this new darkness, and a few peaceful arms for the long battle that lies ahead.

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