20 Ways to Get the Least out of Mass

Are you interested in getting the least out of Mass? If so, here are some ways to make that happen:

• Don’t contribute to the collection; or, if you do, use coins.
• Avoid all eye contact during the Sign of Peace.
• Never drink the Blood of Christ at Holy Communion.
• Approach the Communion minister with car keys in hand.
• After reception of Holy Communion, do not return to your seat and head for the door.
• Drive away from church as quickly as possible.
• Don’t pray at home during the following week, unless an emergency comes up.
• Eat a large meal just before going to church.
• Arrive late for Mass.
• Always sit in the back of the church.
• Read the bulletin during the service.
• Don’t sing any songs.
• Don’t say the responses.
• Keep your cell phone turned on.
• Chew gum.
• Mentally criticize the appearance of people you see.
• Be angry about something. It really doesn’t matter what.
• Think constantly about where you are going after Mass.
• Whenever it is time for silent prayer, look at your watch.
• Never offer to assist as a greeter, usher, lector, communion minister, server, or cantor.