September 21, 2018

20 Ways to Get the Least out of Mass

Are you interested in getting the least out of Mass? If so, here are some ways to make that happen:

  1. Don’t contribute to the collection; or, if you do, use coins.
  2. Avoid all eye contact during the Sign of Peace.
  3. Never drink the Blood of Christ at Holy Communion.
  4. Approach the Communion minister with car keys in hand.
  5. After reception of Holy Communion, do not return to your seat and head for the door.
  6. Drive away from church as quickly as possible.
  7. Don’t pray at home during the following week, unless an emergency comes up.
  8. Eat a large meal just before going to church.
  9. Arrive late for Mass.
  10. Always sit in the back of the church.
  11. Read the bulletin during the service.
  12. Don’t sing any songs.
  13. Don’t say the responses.
  14. Keep your cell phone turned on.
  15. Chew gum.
  16. Mentally criticize the appearance of people you see.
  17. Be angry about something. It really doesn’t matter what.
  18. Think constantly about where you are going after Mass.
  19. Whenever it is time for silent prayer, look at your watch.
  20. Never offer to assist as a greeter, usher, lector, communion minister, server, or cantor.
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Written by
Donald Wittmer

DONALD WITTMER is a retired business executive who held key roles in the automotive and banking sectors. For a time, he also served as a Fiscal Agency Manager for the Detroit branch of the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. He received his undergraduate degree from Cincinnati's Xavier University, an M.A. in business management from Central Michigan University, and earned certification in bank operations from the School of Banking at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. A husband, father, and grandfather, he teaches part-time at the Kent Place School for Girls in Summit, New Jersey.

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Written by Donald Wittmer