November 13, 2019

Dems Launch Investigation into Trump-Voter Collusion

Washington, DC: Congressional Democrats have opened a wide-ranging investigation into the possibility that Donald Trump colluded with American voters to steal the 2016 presidential election from Hillary Clinton.

Following the Mueller investigation’s findings that Trump did not collude with Russia to rig the election, Democrats yesterday issued 62,979,636 subpoenas: one to every United States citizen who voted for Trump. The more than 12,000 lawyers retained for the probe have also filed motions to force the release of 26,541,283 household income tax returns, a sweeping legal effort that includes all adult residents of the state of South Dakota.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was adamant, saying, “Altering the expected outcome of an election is a serious matter. We intend to uphold our responsibility and do everything in our power to fully investigate any accusation we make regarding these issues.” 

The focus of the investigation will be on any possible ties between the Trump campaign and registered voters in the United States. Sources at the DNC say that prosecutors will be examining the possibility that Trump may have made illicit promises to some voters, including promises to help them get off unemployment, to stop apologizing to foreign entities for their existence, and to remove the threat of fines or possible jail time for choosing not to purchase health insurance. 

“It will not stand on our watch,” Congresswoman Maxine Waters posted on Twitter over the weekend. “We owe it to ourselves to find a way to impeach the president, even if others do not wish to. The idea that Americans were involved in Trump’s election makes his presidency all the more offensive.”

The Russian connection is also back in the spotlight as all the nearly 63 million Trump voters are expected to have to testify before a congressional panel on any connection they may have to the former, and possibly future, Soviet Union. 

“We want to know: have any of Trump’s voters ever been to Russia?” said Pelosi. “Have they ever been to the Moscow ballet? Do they use so-called ‘Russian’ dressing on their salad? Do they listen to this ‘Rush’ Limbaugh person? It is high time to find out what tens of millions of Americans may be hiding.”

“And…and also… ‘MAGA’ is Russian for “Reset,’” she added.

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Humble Author

HUMBLE AUTHOR resides in the snows of Valley Forge, a place named in honor of that Most Hallowed Place where a handful of our fellow citizens once made an arduous, lonely, yet blessedly fateful stand. He is committed, through his own poor efforts, to provide a faint light for the way in this new darkness, and a few peaceful arms for the long battle that lies ahead.

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