Kenny Rogers, in his song The Gambler, said I need to “know when to fold them, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” I’ve been running for years. I never felt quite secure again after the first layoff propelled me away from the comfortable innocence of my Mayberry-like beginnings into the unpredictable world of adulthood.
Paradoxically, each layoff in my career was emotionally upsetting for me and my family while each turning out to be a blessing. Each experience forced us to places we never would wandered to on our own.
My father instilled in me a fundamental belief that a father’s role is to “take care of business” in ensuring family security and wellbeing. Yet, he never fully prepared me for the harsher realities I would face – difficult days and the challenging people that populate our world.
I figured after three decades of work after graduate school that I would have things figured out by now. I have not. The rules keep changing. Looking back, I realize now that the Ivory Tower teaches young scientists that titles and recognition mean something. Scientists are taught to race and compete at every step of their academic careers and beyond. Graduate school instilled both knowledge and a competitive fire within me. However, the downside has become apparent; it taught young scientists, like me, to equate titles and recognition with value, crafting a skewed perception where situations and people can become mere means to an end.
This skewed perception can be mistakenly elevated to a status of false idol, whispering the deceit that credentials and achievements hold intrinsic worth. Yet God, in His infinite wisdom and love, does not assess one by earthly titles or degrees: whether one is a Ph.D., an MD, or a CEO holds no divine currency. The relentless pursuit of achievements that often blinds us can also make us long for what others possess rather than cherishing our own blessings. An unbalanced approach can unwittingly nurture envy, distorting our intentions and decisions.
Getting hit on the head, or the back…, too many times professionally finally awakened me to the emptiness of all this. Through prayer, discernment and the blessing of a supportive wife my crooked path began to straighten. Still “sitting at the table,” I have found that I live the analogy of an alcoholic – I still want that “drink” of the chase. I spent three decades winning this chase. Much of me has walked away, but part of me is still in the game. One cannot truly “walk away” while still focusing on bills and the 401K.
In my head, I walked away knowing that I struggle with the addiction of ambition. Getting closer to the end of my Pharma vocation, I have become even more aware of this. Though I have stepped back from chasing that brass ring, the fleeting temptation of money “left behind” when I walk away can still haunt my thoughts. For someone who has spent much of his life pursuing financial stability, the prospect of nearby wealth and deliberately not reaching for it is daunting. My discernment, once foolishly believed to be complete, still has more lessons to teach regarding focus.
Spiritual discernment helped lessen my desire to “drink” for more accomplishments. However, while I heard and even preached the Gospel teachings on material desires, I have still not taken them fully to heart myself. Amazon makes it too easy to order the next fetish. Gradually, spiritual discernment has lessened my hunger for more accomplishments. However, truly absorbing the Gospel in this regard has been a complex journey. Amazon exemplifies how easily one’s focus can shift to the latest material longing. Before walking away from financial allure, genuine gratitude must fill my heart. My wife and I must reflect deeply on our true needs in this new phase of life. If extending work for several years does not substantially alter our blessed lifestyle, why remain in the chase?
I recently noticed that in making plans for retirement, my focus was still wrong. I did not get rid of chasing accomplishments; I only changed the focus of the chase. Whatever time God has left for me should focus on what I want to spend my time in doing, not in accomplishing. I must take to heart that I have nothing left to prove professionally. Yet, if engaging in an activity or working part-time is for fun, that is a better use of my time. Retirement should be based on meaningful pursuits, not simply new “work” for those who can afford it. Recently, when discussing an adjunct lecturing position at a local university, my contact told me “Greg, there is no money in being an adjunct.” I replied that if money was still the goal, “We’d not be talking, as it would be foolish to not be focused on my current job.”
Even with this insight, I recognize that I have not fully escaped the cyclical “merry-go-round” of professional ambition. Thoughts of “leaving money behind” have sparked a final internal struggle in regard to fully jumping off the carousel. Realizing this, my discernment needs to return to focusing on true faith: What is life about, this world or pending eternity? I focused too long on the former and foolishly assumed I would have time to address the latter. Time for our plans is never promised by God.
Yes, Kenny, it is time to put the cards down and walk away. God will be counting when the “dealing is done.”
Throughout his pontificate, St. John Paul II wisely counseled, “Be not afraid.” It is time for me to leap faithfully and fearlessly into God’s embrace, discarding all the deceptions I chased. This is the “drink” that will satisfy the unquenchable thirst drawn from the myths of societal success.
“Money on the table” is for the House to worry about.
