I Struggle

I Struggle

I struggleBut don’t have much to complain about.

I fearJohn Paul II told me “Be Not Afraid.”

I worryAnxiety is a monster I try to cage.

I rush. Even when I am not in a hurry.

I hunger. But not sure for what.

I hope. Knowing in God is my joy.

I petition. For my needs.

I pray. Seeking understanding.

I bleed. But won’t admit I was cut.

I acheMy football coach said to get back up.

I ponder. Looking at the stars.

I wonder. What lies beyond them.

I search. To see what I missed.

I anger. At my injustice.

I fail. At seeing your justice.

I resent. When I am not seen.

I miss. Seeing you.

I journey. A circular path.

I topple. When I should pick up.

I believe. Help my unbelief. 

I run. When I should stay.

I do not love. As Jesus calls me to do.

I do not feed the poor. I miss seeing Jesus in them.

I do not bury the dead. I bury those alive in my speech.

I do not visit the prisons. Even when the imprisoned are not in jail.

I am not a peacemaker.When seeking my place in the world.

I am not the dad my father was. But I understand him more as I get older.

I am not the brother I should be. Biological, fraternal or comrade.

I am not the relative that calls. Yet I always have a phone with me.

I am not the friend to cry with. But I will be there when you call.

I am an introvert. Who has learned to be loud.

I am not the deacon worthy of the stole. None of us are.

I put up walls. When I should be taking them down.

I pray the wordsBut God wants my emotions.

I recite the psalms.Without hearing the song.

I look at the sunset. Seeing the glory of creation.

I look at the horizon. And note the world is curved.

I miss my parents. Knowing they are both dead and still live.

I save for my 401K. Not being promised tomorrow. 

I dream about tomorrow. Without living in joy today.

I hear the bells before Mass. And know they toll for me. 

I carry decisions of 45 yrs. ago. As if I made them today.

I speak with confidence. Having little of it myself.

I am in awe. When I look at the cross.

I am the Imago DeiSo are you. 

In all, none of this matters.

Today, I have a breathGod is letting me start anew.

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Written by
Deacon Gregory Webster