November 18, 2019

MSNBC Interviews The Magi

For some unknown reason, MSNBC decided not to broadcast an interview it had with the Magi.  However, Catholic Journal’s crack investigation department has secured the transcript and has printed it in its entirety below.

Mr. Matthews: Tonight we will be talking with three men who have a dubious story for us.  From left to right we have Caspar, Melchior, and Balthasar.  Gentlemen, welcome to our program.

Caspar: Thank you, Chris.  We are glad to join you.

Mr. Matthews: Caspar, tell our audience about this adventure upon which you are about to partake.

Caspar: Well, Chris, the three of us have been studying the stars for many years, and we believe that a new star has appeared that will indicate where a great king will be born. Our intention is to follow this star until we find this new king and then give him gifts and worship him.

Mr. Matthews: Worship him?  So you believe this new king will be some kind of god?

Caspar: Not “some kind of god,” but the true God.

Mr. Matthews: A king and a god!  Well, so much for the separation of church and state.  Caspar, I know you do not know the exact location where this new “god” will be born, but can you narrow it down to a geographical area?

Caspar: We are fairly sure that it will be in the land of the Hebrews.

Mr. Matthews: So we are to believe that this “god,” as you call him, will be a  child of the Hebrew nation, which has stolen the land from the Palestinians?

Caspar: You may believe what you wish.  I am only answering your question.

Rachel Maddow: This is Rachel Maddow.  I would like to direct my question to Melchior.

Melchior: Hello, Rachel.

Maddow: Don’t interrupt me, please.  You are the only black man on this journey.  We are getting reports that you are forced to ride in the back of the caravan because of your skin color.  Why would you tolerate such clear racism?

Melchior: (Laughing) That is totally absurd.

Maddow: So you deny it then?

Melchior: Absolutely.

Maddow: Melchior, as the token black man on this journey, do you feel that you are being used by your colleagues to blunt the legitimate criticism of racism?

Melchior: Rachel, this is ridicu . . .

Maddow: Well, you are probably afraid to speak the truth with two white men standing right next to you.  Let me move on.  I direct this question to Balthasar.  Balthasar, do you expect our audience to believe that you and your two colleagues could not find a woman smart enough or courageous enough to take this journey with you?  What role does sexism play in your decision-making?

Balthasar: There is no sexism.

Maddow: Well, the facts speak for themselves.  But here is something the three of you ought to consider.  Do you think this new god of yours will be pleased with your war on women?

Balthasar: There is no war on women, and I resent . . .

Martin Bashir: This is Martin Bashir.  I would like to go back to Caspar for a moment.  Caspar, there are some misguided people who refer to you and your friends as “wise men.”  But are you not, in fact, really magi?

Caspar: Of course, we are magi.

Bashir: Okay, but here’s the problem with that.  Magi is the plural form of magus, which can be defined as a sorcerer.  From this root, we get the word magic.  So let’s be honest here.  You guys are simply magicians using  this phony star story to deceive the public.  There is absolutely no science here.  It’s a lot of hocus pocus to fool ignorant Bible clingers and creationists into sending you money to support your journey.  How do you guys sleep at night?

Caspar: We have our own money.  We are not asking for anyone else to support us.

Bashir: Well, if you have your own money, who knows how many scams you have run to get it.  Chris, I’m done with these charlatans.

Matthews: Speaking of money, Melchior, it is rumored that you plan on giving this new-born king of yours a substantial amount of gold.  Can you confirm this?

Melchior: Yes, this is true.  We are all giving gifts that are symbolic.  Gold symbolizes kingship, frankincense symbolizes a priestly vocation, and myrrh symbolizes death.

Matthews: Both frankincense and myrrh are derived from resin procured from trees.  One would have to question the environmental impact this would have on plant life.  Did you give no thought to this?

Melchior: Chris, where we come from there are plenty of trees.

Chris: Well, let’s hope that they will still be there when this new king of yours grows up.  But you’ve cleverly tried to divert my attention from the gold.  It’s a large amount, right?

Melchior: Yes, it is.

Chris: A large sum for one kid.  Has it ever occurred to you how many children living in poverty today could use some of that gold?  How many lives could be saved?  Hundreds?  Thousands?  Your insensitivity astounds me.

Balthasar: Now, wait a minute, Chris.  You and your cohorts have done nothing but attack us and our motives from the beginning.  I think . . .

Chris: Well, I don’t care what you think, and my guess is that our audience doesn’t, either.  We’ll be back in a couple of minutes.

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Written by
Thomas Addis

THOMAS ADDIS is a retired high school teacher and published author, most recently authoring a children's book, A Gift of Light, which is available at Amazon. An M.A. graduate of Oakland University, he is Associate Editor of Catholic Journal. In his spare time, he enjoys reading and cycling.

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